Things have been a little quiet on my blog this year and I haven’t been very forthcoming about the reasons. You see, after years of wanting one last baby, my husband finally reached the “yes” stage and we settled on October, 2014.
Well, if you’ve followed my trials and health issues, you know that the fall of 2014 was a trying time for me physically and I was in no position to get pregnant. I didn’t feel safe getting pregnant until January of 2015 and, as usual, we were pregnant right away. That month I also got the flu unlike anything I’d ever experienced and fought a county board of supervisors to legalize backyard chickens (a fight we lost). It was a painful, exhausting, devastating month. And when February 12th, 2015 brought news of my miscarriage, I just felt completely defeated.
As I’ve always had easy conceptions and easy pregnancies, having to wait to get pregnant and then have a miscarriage was just heart-wrenching. My mind and body went into survival mode and I sought out answers using the genetic testing of 23andme.com (affiliate link) and the help of my wonderful chiropractor. I mourned and ached, wondering if my health issues of 2014 had ruined my body forever. Oh I learned a LOT from the genetic testing (definitely another post on that), including a gene I have that indicated I might have estrogen dominance and may require progesterone.
Of course it’s not recommended that you just randomly start taking a hormone, though I was tempted. I was eager to begin healing from the miscarriage and preparing my body for my future pregnancy and still I decided testing was more important, rather than starting something that might make things worse. I decided to use DUTCH precision hormone testing, for many reasons, the main one being that they are the most comprehensive and thorough. I was very amazed by the results I received and how detailed they were. (As a practitioner, I can get much better pricing on these tests, so let me know if you’re ever interested.) I am so glad I got this testing done and was able to immediately apply the information I gleaned.
The test results showed that my hormones would have been interpreted as “normal” had it been done in a regular medical office. While looking at the detailed results of my tests though, I could see (and it was noted) that I was barely hanging on the lowest marker for normal. While this would have been considered a normal progesterone level, it was not normal enough for an ovulating woman of child-bearing age, hoping to retain a pregnancy.
I was pretty relieved by the news and started hunting for a progesterone cream to begin using right away. I really appreciated this website as I researched. And here’s the one I decided on (affiliate link):
It took a couple months to regulate my cycle and in May we were pregnant again. I took tests every couple of days to make sure the line was getting stronger (hormones increasing).
I scheduled an early ultrasound to confirm it was a viable pregnancy at 7 weeks (something I’d never done before). Even after I saw the heartbeat of our baby, I couldn’t relax. I waited impatiently for the 11 week appointment to hear the heartbeat again. I ordered all the blood work, including the chromosome testing. I waited impatiently for those results. Even after finding out that there were no abnormal chromosomes, that we’re having a boy(!!!), that the due date is February 12th (the same date as my miscarriage), and hearing the heartbeat again, I have yet to truly settle into “just being pregnant”, something that I used to do so easily.
I have really panicky days (or nights, as was the case during my insomnia last night) where I think what if he doesn’t make it? How will I cope? What will people say? Would I try again? Or would this be the end? I’ve had very intense prayers asking God to please let this baby stay. Please?!
I’m now approaching 17 weeks and I’ve felt some movement of baby, heard his heartbeat several times and gone through exhausting lists of boy names. I’ve cleared out tons of baby girl clothes to make room for this little man and still I can’t fully accept that he’s coming. Don’t get me wrong, I want him to, so badly. But I’ve been robbed before. It’s hard to trust that it won’t happen again. I asked my friend, who’s also had miscarriages, when the feeling would go away and she said, “It doesn’t.” She could say that, at 32 weeks pregnant. It makes me realize that we put so much pressure on women to be as healthy as possible during pregnancy and to “enjoy being pregnant”, that “worry doesn’t help anything” and “stress is bad for the baby”, but at some point we also need to recognize that these feelings are so very real and very normal. Bad things happen. Loss happens. And there’s no way to ever know for sure that something is going to have a positive outcome. We still try, though. We keep moving forward and we know that despite the doubts and fears, we will find hope and cling to it.
This has been the longest pregnancy ever and I’m not even halfway through. Waiting to get a positive pregnancy test, waiting for confirmation, waiting for a heartbeat, waiting for blood test results, waiting for another appointment to hear the heartbeat again, and now waiting for the anatomy scan in October. And I’m finding gratitude for all of it, even the anxiety. I move forward. I make baby announcements. I go through possible boy-clothes. I day dream about birth and those first few magical days thereafter. And I believe. More than anything I am choosing to believe that this baby will stay.
Needless to say, I’ve been incredibly distracted and in need of major distractions. Between my kids, family, friends and various projects I’ve undertaken, I’ve just had to step away from this blog, even though I love preparing and researching and sharing information with you all. I couldn’t imagine writing about anything else until I shared my loss and my rainbow pregnancy along with my fears.
I hope you understand and can keep me lifted up in your prayers and thoughts. If you’d like to keep an eye on my pins and posts, follow me on Pinterest and Facebook.
As always, thanks for listening!
