Tag: Disordered Eating

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Healing Disordered Eating, Part 2

Disordered eating is not just about eating disorders. It’s not just starving, bingeing or purging yourself. It’s restricting yourself in the name of dieting or losing a few pounds. It’s berating yourself when you “screw up” and bemoaning all the “bad” foods you ate. It’s forcing yourself to work out more later because of what you ate earlier. It’s calories in, calories out with complete disregard for the human being who has thoughts and feelings that are so much more important. Disordered eating holds you back from living.

In part 1, I talked about kindness and how important kindness is for ourselves and the world around us. So what’s part 2? Part 2 is curiosity. Curiosity is one of those mentalities that can determine whether you’re going to accuse someone, get in a fight with someone or just discover more about how a person works. Curiosity gives you the ability to discover things about yourself and others in a way that’s not inflammatory, not belittling and not accusatory.

I watch my kids and their curiosity, their sense of wonder about everything around them. The things that come out of my 3-year old’s mouth shock and amuse me constantly. But they’re honest, curious questions. Everything from “Do all boys have a penis, or just big boys like daddy?” Or “What is my nose stinking about? Did somebody fart?” “Why do flowers come in the spring? Don’t they like winter?” “When I was born, did I come rolling out of you, Mommy?” The questions! The innocence! The hunger for more knowledge! She’s truly interested in it all and it amazes me.

While we have matured enough (hopefully) to not go around blurting out some of these questions, we certainly can learn from them. Turn that curiosity inward, with just curiosity, not judgment or blame. “Why am I eating if I’m not hungry?” Let the answers come and accept them, consume them, learn from them. “I’m tired and it tastes good.” Okay. Okay, good. We’re getting somewhere now. “Why did I keep eating if I was full?” “Why am I choosing foods that don’t make me feel good after I eat them?” Do you see how these questions are kind and curious? They’re not hateful or mean and they elicit the kinds of responses that can help you learn more about yourself.

If you’re like me, you want to know when you get to step out of curiosity and into change… The answer is when you stop trying to step out of curiosity and into change! As long as you’re trying to change someone (including yourself), you’re not really being curious, are you? You’re being manipulative and trying to control the results. Being curious is just that: curiosity. Looking for clues. Seeking insight. Into you! Who could possibly be more interesting than you? The why’s and how’s of who you are, the what’s and where’s of how you think – these are fascinating discoveries!

When you stop trying to change and start seeking to learn, you’ll find that your curiosity has given you permission to BE. And in being free to be, you may find that you don’t have to control it all so much. By not controlling it all so much, you’re less likely to judge. By not judging, you’re able to let go. By letting go, you may find you’re not lashing out and reaching for things that you used to deem as “bad” and maybe grabbed them just to show you, to show them all that you can make yourself feel better. You can eat what you want and no one’s going to stop you! Because guess what? You don’t have to show them, or yourself, anything. You’ve been watching and asking and kindly observing how you operate and you can love those parts of yourself. You’re not “cheating” or “falling off the wagon”, you’re living and you’re aware of what you’re doing and you love yourself for taking care of yourself in whatever way you know how.

Some people fear that by letting go of the control, they’ll be eating take-out and donuts and cake until they gain 500 lbs and nobody loves them. My question is this: If you have to control yourself with such militant restraint, what pleasure is there? If you ate a donut once in a while because you wanted it and because it tastes good and because you have complete trust in yourself and compassion for who you are and why you’re eating it, wouldn’t that be a safer, more kind place to live? And wouldn’t you know that kind of trust if you’d taken the time to ask yourself a little bit about yourself? Instead of looking to a magazine that promises rapid weight loss or the latest diet craze to hit Pinterest, look inside. Find out who you are. Ask questions about what you want. How do you want to live? Who do you want to see living your life when you look back in 20 years? What do you want to eat? Right now? There’s no wrong answer. Promise.

In case this is all too vague and heady, I’m going to share with you an example of a conversation that I might have with myself:

I want a cookie.

Mmm, that sounds good. A cookie. Are you hungry?

Not really, but I want it.

Okay. I mean a cookie is just a cookie after all, but why eat it if you’re not hungry?

Well, it’s not often we have fresh baked cookies and it looks so good and I know it will taste good!

I bet it will! Fresh baked cookies are the best! So, if you really want it you should totally eat it. I’m just curious though, why don’t you wait til you’re hungry?

I don’t know. I guess I’m impatient because it’s going to taste good either way.

True. Is it possible it will taste even better when you’re hungry than it will when you’re not?

I guess.

I’m not trying to talk you out of it, really! You can have it if you want it. I’m just curious. If it will taste better when you’re hungry, what’s the harm in waiting?

I know, I know, you’re on the edge of your seat wondering what happens next, right? Well it depends. Some fears might pop up. What if I’m not hungry later and I miss out on all that fresh goodness? Well, realistically, it’s not the last cookie I’m ever going to have a chance to eat. The end of this conversation could go either way. If I want it, I’ll eat it. If I don’t really want it and I know I’m not hungry, I won’t. Either way, there’s a kind curiosity here. Do you see it?

I want this for you. I want it for all of us. Not just with food, but with life. If you don’t like how someone is acting (including yourself), you can be curious about it and separate yourself from the judgment of the action. Look deeper into the feelings and thoughts behind what’s happening and learn more about them (or yourself). Curiosity can take you deeper into relationship with others and yourself if you let it. I hope that you will.



Their curiosity and kindness has taught me more than any book ever could.
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Healing Disordered Eating, Part 1

 I really keep meaning to write about nutrition, supplements, and health. I have so many posts I’ve started about lemon water, meal-planning on a budget and more recipes. However, my heart is leading me elsewhere and so I follow.

I say this is “Healing Disordered Eating, Part 1” because I believe there will be many more posts on this subject because disordered eating is thick and deep and intense, as are we. So, where should we start?

    The first step to healing, the one that I had the hardest time taking, is kindness. Yup, kindness. To start with, kindness for oneself is so challenging and yet, isn’t it said that you can’t love others until you love yourself? I have to disagree. I have loved and continue to love deeply, though at times I have not loved myself. Let it be said, though, that as I have learned to be kind to myself, my love for others flows more freely and without obstacles. So, perhaps it should be said, you can’t love others freely until you are freely loving yourself.

I wish it was as easy as saying, “Be kind to yourself” and then we could move on, but it’s not. It’s a daily, hourly, by-the-minute practice. It takes conscious effort until it becomes your unconscious norm. Kind thoughts, kind feelings, kind words, kind actions…. Where, oh where do we start?

Let’s get one thing straight: Mean people suck. It’s true. They leave such a bad taste in your mouth and perhaps a PTSD feeling whenever you think about encounters you’ve had with them. I’ve been hurt so badly by people I’ve trusted and by complete strangers. These encounters are not easily forgotten. They shape our view of the world. Words can hurt. Period. I’m sure I’ve hurt many people as well and I am sorry that there have been times I was a “mean person”, or acted meanly. I’ve been most hurtful to myself. Perhaps you have too.

I hear stories about bullying and I cringe. How can people be so cruel? Of course this kind of cruelty is not just small town, schoolyard drama; people are fighting on social media, bullying on blogs, and just being violent and hateful in general. And so it spreads to a national and global level that makes me scared for my children, for all children. And then it just makes me angry.

Before my anxiety and frustration can run rampant, I have to bring it home and I invite you to do the same. Start with yourself. Affirmations go a LONG way. (A quick aside: I practiced an affirmation every day for a few months that stated, “I run five miles effortlessly.” At the time I started the affirmation, I was walking and jogging two to three miles every other day. A couple months in, I truly was running five miles and it was effortless. Making a long story short, it worked!) When a negative thought comes into your mind, try adding, “And I love myself.” Or say, “I am loveable.” Because you are. I know it. Some affirmations to try are the following: “I eat when I’m hungry. I stop when I’m full.” “I am beautiful, healthy and strong.” “I am kind to myself.” “I take care of myself.”

Be nice. To yourself, to others, to all. I don’t have all the answers to the cruelty that exists in the world, but I know it starts somewhere deep within, some kind of wound that festers and breeds all kinds of ugliness. So heal it. Heal deep down inside, the places that you don’t want people to see and the places that cause you to lash out at others when they get too close. The insecurities. The failures. The “I’m not good enough’s”. Speak kind words into those places.

  I’m sorry if you thought this was going to be a step-by-step posting on how to cure your roller-coaster dieting or your binge eating struggles. I wish I could give that to you, but it starts deep within. It starts with kindness. That first, giant step is one that will lead you on a path of complete healing. I can almost guarantee it. When you eat something you think is “bad”, try saying, “I ate this and I am still loveable.” Step off the scale and step into your life because it’s moving forward and you deserve to live it. Stop agonizing over it. Stop bullying yourself. This kindness that your spirit so desperately needs is waiting for you. Speak it. Find it. Feel it. If you want off the roller-coaster and you want to feel comfortable in your own skin again, the exit, the starting line, the journey, and the destination are all at the same place: Here. Now.

I do offer intuitive eating coaching sessions and will continue to post Parts 2, 3, 4 and however many I come up with for this subject of disordered eating that is so near and dear to my heart. For now though, practice kindness.